Surely Shorty

by AE Reiff

Surely drove up and parked under the Bougainvillea.

I wasn’t sure at first if she wasn’t he at first because of the tail between the legs.

But when the Pomeranians got close Surely ran to my door and peed. The rest of the time she was a raging lion.

Two weeks before she had been dropped off to shop for homes. The market was that good. She got an adjustable and settled down. The neighbors fed her but she slept by my car. Then she fell in love with my dog, stood at the door and woofed, made goo-goo eyes. It made me suspicious. I raise my hands at the tree. Why me?

I thought, since Surely Shorty is hanging around anyway, why not engage her mind. I took out Kafka. She appreciated it. You say I’m kind, but she was slobbering all over my dog. Somebody once said they wouldn’t mind being my dog, but nobody said they wanted to be a dog of my dog. We had the luck of being chosen.

Whenever I finish a book now I throw it out in the driveway. This habit is just a way of saying something. But when I threw out Fear and Trembling, the paper pages landed up against the tire of the car and the wind blew them open. The next time I checked, there that skinny black hound dog was reading. That’s Surely.

She didn’t even have a pile of leaves to lay in while she read. So yesterday I threw out “Investigations of a Dog” by Franz. Something uplifting should improve her mind. Maybe this is a way of improving the neighborhood.

When I saw how Surely so completely attached it occurred to me that maybe she was my old dog come back. He did a lot of things like her escaping and coming into the yard. Surely also slept in the same places. She put her snout in my armpit, climbed up in my lap and cleaned my ears. How could I turn her away if she were he? I knew then I was going to let Surely in and she’d pee on the rug.

Surely now owns both house and yard, takes food from the hand, but won’t be touched. She’s reading naked on her hind legs to bark music. I got her treats so now we’re speaking. How long can it last before nibbling? Pretty soon there will be dancing.

I was just minding my own business when Surely occupied the strip between our house and the other neighbor who threatened to call the pound. Surely sat on the border and barked until the city gave an easement. Her garage will go up, but she still won’t be touched.

The bougainvillea got bigger so she started to park on the lawn. Made me want to stretch along side, not thinking of her, but of the idea of a dog I sat beside once with a hole in his waist from a scar, hips spayed, joints frozen, broken intestine, blind in one eye, giant heart barking all night. I got a dog for that dog. Now that dog has got herself a dog. Where does it end? Is your dog’s dog your dog? What are the rules? I tried to give her to the mailman after he gave me a Heimlich, but his dogs were jealous.

Then she ran the guy in shoulder length hair off the road. Then she attacked every passing dog and their owners too. What happened to the tail? So in the morning when she followed our fashion how chow chow into the yard to be her hair stylist she is still there.

She barked all night. She’s barking now when the toilets flush. If the pound comes to get her with a net she will set off all alarms. She holds us all prisoners to her life, barking at walls all night. She barks at the K Mart, man she barks at the airport. I let her in, fed her garlic chips, turned on the A/C. She slept on the floor next to my dog and then she peed.

When Surely won’t come in I carry her like a sack of flour, head down. After a week she has joined the fashion queen on her pedestal, who never leaves her rest. Surely  has become Snouty, sticks that long snout on my chest and looks up with grave brown eyes. I put my hands over the eyes and under the jaw and then she climbs up and lays beside. In the morning she puts her paws on the bed and cleans my ears. She grooms our model dog, the one the neighbors stop their cars to watch, gives a good scrub and guides, for the queen is wayward with cats. Surely takes her by the scruff and leads to the car. I’m thinking of getting another dog to keep her busy, advertise:

Dog Grooming by Dogs for Dogs:

a nip and a tuck, a tease, a lick,

a prune, a clip, a roll in the grass.

Surely takes the towels and tablecloths off the clothes line for this, spreads them on the lawn and wraps herself up.