The Star Signs of Sceptics

by Gary Welsh

She was an Aquarius; he didn’t give a shit about astrology. He told her there were no stars in the sky the night he was born, and hence no constellation to stereotype him with.

He didn’t believe there were only twelve types of people in the world, so she read her horoscope out loud to him from the morning paper. She was convinced it would come true. He told her that back when he was an intern journalist, he spent a week working at the lifestyle section of the local newspaper. He had been tasked with writing the horoscopes.

Capricorns will experience weird weather phenomena that will lead to them picking the correct lottery numbers today. They will have difficulty communicating with the office printer.

Those born under the constellation of Aquarius will make bold business decisions that affect farmyard animals’ migration patterns. They will uncover bold new family trauma.

Pisces will discover human remains from the Palaeozoic Era in their backyard, leading to a team of archaeologists moving into their house and constantly demanding cups of tea. However, their pets will undergo unexplainable mood swings.

Aries will have success in social situations, befriending a troop of mimes who help fix their ageing automobile. They will also win at Monopoly and lose a loved one to a meteorite.

Tauruens will find a secret room behind their bathroom medicine cabinet that is inhabited by elves that you can trick into cleaning the house every night by placing a tray of food in front of a mirror that they will think is two trays of food. Also, be careful of bodies of water.

Geminis will befriend tiny aliens that live inside the cracks of coffee mugs; what they thought was a brown scummy residue was actually a race of beings with technology far surpassing our own. Sadly, they miss their favourite TV show.

Cancerians may experience a loss of their sense of taste and smell for up to two hours today, making it difficult to determine if they have oversalted their food. Fortunately, this will give them a sharper sense of sight and the ability to hear colours.

Leo will find their family’s missing goat, resulting in a surplus of milk production. Your friends will love your outfit and compliment you constantly.

Virgo can take chances today with the weather; you never know when a cloud will become an enemy or a new employer. Go for it!

Some but not all Librans will transform, shedding their skin and even shapeshifting. This may seem disconcerting at first, but you never know when it works out in your favour.

Those born under the star sign of Scorpio can expect to find their favourite pizza has deserted them in their hour of need, but you can trust spaghetti, though, so don’t worry.

Sagitariuns will mend fences with a neighbour, literally. They will spend the day fixing the wall between their houses and never speak to each other again.

While his girlfriend found his predictions to be condescending to her beliefs, she did think they were whimsical and, in a way, wonderful.

His sub-editor told him to use last week's Gemini as this week's Leo, as no one would notice. He was quickly moved back to the crime desk, never to return. And this suited him just fine.