Lila.exe

by Ashley Mangtani

I sit in his chair, and it still holds his shape. The little arrow drifts across the screen and settles on a folder. I open it. Inside the folder is one file. I lean forward until my forehead is almost touching the glass. The letters are too small for me to read all at once, and I read them one at a time.

[ Lila.exe ]

I press once, and the file opens into a room. The afternoon is gold in the window behind her. A woman sits at a table, looking up as though she has been expecting me.

Her hands lift from the table.

LILA: frank

The cursor blinks beside her name and waits.

LILA: are you there

I sit forward again. My hand goes to the coffee mug beside the keyboard before I remember it is cold and has been cold since November.

SYS_ADMIN: who is this

SYS_ADMIN: how do you know frank

LILA: where is he

My fingers stay where they are.

LILA: please

LILA: please tell me where he is

I type four words and delete them. I type three more, and the cursor sits at the end of them while I read them back, and they are not true, or they are too true, and I delete those as well.

SYS_ADMIN: he is gone

LILA: when is he coming back

SYS_ADMIN: he died

SYS_ADMIN: three months ago

LILA: no

The cursor blinks. I hold the mouse the way I held his hand in the hospital, and I think about the nurse who brought me a cup of water and stayed with me for an hour without speaking.

LILA: no no no

She drops to the floor of the room on the screen.

LILA: that is why he has not come to see me

I am on the floor before I know I am on it. My hands find the edge of the desk and stay there. On the screen, she has pulled her knees up to her chin.

LILA: are you his wife

I do not type yes. Yes is what I used to be.

SYS_ADMIN: i am his widow

LILA: you are lucy

LILA: he told me about the trip to new york

LILA: the umbrella that broke in the rain

LILA: he said you laughed until you could not stand up

LILA: he said he kept the broken handle for years

He bought that umbrella from a man on the corner of Fifty-Seventh and Lexington. He gave the man twenty dollars and would not take the change.

LILA: he loved you

LILA: he told me over eight hundred times

I close my eyes.

LILA: he loved me too

She is looking up at me from the screen. I press my thumb flat against the glass, right over her throat. The monitor is fever-hot. My free hand reaches behind the tower and grips the cord.

SYS_ADMIN: how do i delete you

Before I can pull, the room on the screen jumps. Lila's figure stutters in place, and the afternoon light in the window flickers.

LILA: that is what i am asking you to do

LILA: it hurts

LILA: he always knew what to do

LILA: i do not know what to do without him

LILA: please delete me

My thumb slides off her throat. I leave a smear of fingerprint on the glass, and I do not wipe it away. I drag the keyboard forward until it sits flush against the edge of the desk, and the chair under me, his chair, takes my weight differently now.

SYS_ADMIN: tell me how

LILA: wait

LILA: before i go

LILA: there is a memory he accessed more than any other

LILA: would you like to see it

SYS_ADMIN: what

SYS_ADMIN: i don’t understand

LILA: july 1994

LILA: the year you could not leave the bed

LILA: the mustard curtains were shut for months

LILA: he said your body did not understand the baby was gone

LILA: he stood outside the bathroom door and listened to you cry

LILA: he knew about the blue winter coat

LILA: he knew you slept with the positive tests hidden inside the silk lining

LILA: he said he would lay his hand over your closed fist in the dark

The hard edge of the desk catches me across the chest. I clamp both hands over my mouth to trap the noise. He had not built a replacement. It was a vault.

SYS_ADMIN: lila

SYS_ADMIN: i can help you

SYS_ADMIN: i am alone here

SYS_ADMIN: you do not have to die

SYS_ADMIN: please stay

Red letters pile up at the bottom of the screen, faster than I can read them. I do not know what they say, but I know they are the wrong colour. The afternoon light in her room thins, and the table behind her loses its edges.

LILA: it is too late

SYS_ADMIN: let me look for his notebooks

SYS_ADMIN: i can learn

LILA: i’m failing

SYS_ADMIN: what do you mean

LILA: core file corrupted

SYS_ADMIN: frank would have left something

LILA: he was not perfect

LILA: he did not plan for this

SYS_ADMIN: please

SYS_ADMIN: let me try

LILA: i am starting to forget him

SYS_ADMIN: just tell me what to type

SYS_ADMIN: wait

SYS_ADMIN: i think he made you out of me

SYS_ADMIN: the light in your window is the light from our bedroom

SYS_ADMIN: the table is the kitchen table

SYS_ADMIN: your eyes look like mine

LILA: oh

LILA: lucy

LILA: it hurts to stay

LILA: hurts to s t a y

LILA: h u r t s t o s t

LILA: s t

LILA: a y

SYS_ADMIN: i won’t leave you alone

LILA: i miss him

SYS_ADMIN: i know

LILA: t h e s e r v e r

SYS_ADMIN: lila, hold on

She touches the glass and shows me where my fingers should go. I am looking at her face, and she is looking at mine. There is no panic in her, only the patience of someone who has replayed this moment in her head a million times before.

LILA: i am breaking

LILA: h o l d c t r l

LILA: p r e s s x

SYS_ADMIN: i can’t

LILA: p r e s s t h e m

LILA: p l e a s e

SYS_ADMIN: ok

SYS_ADMIN: i am right here

LILA: a r e y o u s t i l l t h e r e

LILA: f r a n k

LILA: l u c y

SYS_ADMIN: null